I hate feeling trapped

This is something I have always known, but the concept finally crystallized yesterday as I was attempting to take the subway home... I had to work yesterday, even though it was a holiday (an entirely different rant involved there), and as I usually do I went down into the subway to catch the T home. By the time I walked the length of the station the announcement came on that the next train going my way was about to arrive. After about five minutes (I could see the train in the tunnel) another announcement came on that there was a delay.

By the time another five minutes had gone by, I was pacing like a caged animal. I was already stressed because of work, and the delay of the train only added to that. My pacing grew worse and I could almost feel my brain shorting. Every few minutes there was another announcement that there were switching problems causing the delay.

Finally I was fed up and left the station. As soon as I left the station, I started feeling better. I walked across the bridge, passing one train as it sit there waiting for the signal problems to be fixed. Eventually the train passed me, but I was nearly to the next station by that point. So I went into that station and it wasn't too long before I got on another train. Progress was slow, but steady.

As I paced, and walked and rode, I reflected how much I hate feeling trapped. For instance, traffic, I hate it. Not because of the time wasted and the morons surrounding me (although obviously those matter) but because I can't move as I want to move. In relatively light traffic, I find I pass people, just so they aren't in front of me, not necessarily because I want to drive faster, but because I want the option. If there are packs on the road, as there often are, I speed up or slow down so I am between the groups and not hemmed in.

At the movies, I sit near the aisle. I prefer sitting in the center, but I tend to sit close enough to the side that there is no one between me and the aisle. I haven't had to run to the bathroom during a movie for a long time, but I like to have the option of getting up easily. Same thing on airplanes, I always get the aisle seat. Generally I am fine during the flight, but once we land and everyone starts standing up, but the doors haven't opened, I feel my blood pressure rising. I just need to escape the plane.

But it isn't just physical confinement that bothers me. I also hate emotional, societal, and psychological confinement. In fact, sometimes the mental fetters are the oddest and most profound. For instance, I have always hated being labeled, or having someone comment that I always do something or that something is my favorite. I find that I change to avoid being that.

When I was young, I had a blanket (I still have it). When we would watch TV at night as a family, I would often get it out of my room and use it to keep warm and comfortable. One day my dad commented that it was a security blanket. I don't think he meant anything by the comment, but I stopped using that blanket when watching TV with the family.

That is probably the oddest/harshest aspect... That someone's expectations of what I am/like/do can somehow rob the enjoyment I take from being/liking/doing. Maybe if I can see that I am trapping myself I can sort this all out.

Because one of the things I have always felt was missing from my life was a sense of belonging. Perhaps trying to belong, felt too much like being trapped and it triggered panic. I have felt the sense of belonging, in small doses. Going to a restaurant and having the waitress know what I wanted to eat, and how I liked it.

A foolish constistency is the hobgoblin of little minds... What kind of mind is foolish inconsistency the hobgoblin of?