Mother's Day

It has been many years since I've celebrated Mother's Day, not because I don't love my mom, but because she passed away. When this time of year rolls around, I have acutely felt what I was missing. With distance comes perspective, and from now on, I will endeavor to celebrate what I have instead.

My mom was an educator. After college she was a teacher, then she started a family, which set her on a different career path. But she was still an educator, as she was constantly teaching me and my siblings. She also taught Sunday school, and when we were older she became a substitute teacher. Education was very important to her, and in turn to me. I could go on about this subtopic, but I will just say one last thing. There came a day when my education in math and science far outstripped her own. It was a bittersweet time for her, since while she was proud of me, she recognized it marked a transition in our relationship, a sort of declaration of independence, which to her came all too soon.

Aside from the formal education, my mom sought to taught me other things as well. One thing she was adamant about was manners. I am not saying dinner was a stiff formal affair, but there were no elbows on the table. She also taught me the importance of "please" and "thank-you" and the formalization of those in the form of thank-you cards and hostess gifts.

The real lesson of manners, isn't the set of actions and reactions that have been codified and refined through time. It is the idea of showing others respect and doing things in a way that benefits everyone. Respecting others is one of the lessons my mom didn't overtly try to teach me, but she taught me anyway.

Along the lines of respect, is a lesson I think my mom learned from her mother is to think the best of other people. My grandmother found it impossible to think that other people had negative motivations. My mother was a bit more realistic, but still strove to believe in other people, and wouldn't look down on someone. I remember after college, I had a neighbor who worked as a stripper. I told my mom one day, and didn't quite know what to expect, but I was surprised at what a positive spin my mom put on the girl's choice in career. Even in my twenties my mom manager to teach me something.

Another thing my mom taught me was the importance of honesty. As a child I was often very creative with the truth. My mom told me in no uncertain terms that she might be mad if I did something wrong, but she would not abide my lying about it. I was still rather creative, just not to her. But one day that changed, abruptly, and I went cold-turkey on lying. I don't know if this anecdote had anything to do with it, although I don't think it did, but it's a good story and very telling. My mom organized a surprise birthday party one year for my dad. We were all in on it, and thought it was great fun. When the party finally arrived and we surprised my dad, my mom broke down and apologized, and said that she had never lied to him before and the deception the surprise party necessitated had torn her up inside.

That is not to say that my mom wasn't sneaky. She was just honest about it. One of here favorite ruses was taking us shopping and finding out what we liked. She would then sneak back an hour or day later and buy us that item for a present. She would also put the wrong names on presents under the Christmas tree so that we wouldn't be able to guess what we got. Actually, speaking of Christmas and honesty, we never believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy growing up.

The last thing I will ramble about, that my mom taught me without trying to teach me relates to frugality, but nearly the opposite. I never remember my mom buying something that we didn't need. Things tended to get old and worn out, but they generally had to stop working before being replaced. But when she did buy something, she always went for something of good quality. This didn't mean buying name-brand clothes, but it did mean our first computer had a real keyboard. It also meant that we didn't eat generic Oreos when real Oreos tasted so much better.

I suppose that last lesson I learned from my mom, is an odd one to end with. But not all the things we learn from our moms are terribly practical, or world defining. Sometimes they are as simple as letting your kid lick the bowl.

Happy Mother's Day.